CrazyCatLady Column: Hedgehogs!
I started doing research for this column, and I realized I know so little about hedgehogs it’s ridiculous. Like did you know that the typical animal you think of when you hear ‘hedgehog’ is merely the African pygmy hedgehog? Oh, wait. You were thinking of the blue hedgehog-like creature.
Oh Sonic. Our first real answer to the Brothers. You know which brothers. The ones that smoosh flying turtles, and drop Yoshis into pits of eternal despair because they can’t make that jump. Try thinking out of the box Mario, you traitorous bastard. Sega really went out of their way to find a character that was both appealing and what the fuck in the way only Japanese animals can be reimagined.
I really wonder what happens at Japanese development firms. Someone receives a pet from Europe as a gift, and then drops some acid, and BAM! Blue hedgehog with ridiculously long limbs that runs fast, collects coins, and fights Dr. Robotnik. I want some of those drugs. So mean Japan. Learn to share.
And then there’s this bullshit…
But Japan wasn’t done screwing with our perception of the hedgehog, oh no. Not by a long shot. Maybe you’re more into pokemon?
What the hell IS that? And apparently that’s just the “land” form. The “sky” form looks like a white reindeer got it on with a patch of sod.
At least the land form is closer to the actual cuteness of real hedgies. Rolly-polly, slow moving, snorfling prickly goodness. What on earth possessed Sega to think that a fast character should be based on a hedgehog? Sure, they made up for it by having his sidekick be a two-tailed fox, which makes sense in the fast and sneaky category. But who said Japan made sense. Silly me. Maybe the lack of sense is meant to go with the lack of expectations. I like how this graphic explains the Sonic series.
Hope, dashing of hope, and then regret with begrudgement. Though I do suspect this is how real hedgehog owners feel. It probably starts with a ‘oh look at the cute widdle prickly thing!’ followed by a lecture on care and feeding, and then regrets about what hedgehog poop smells like, and why is that little bastard gnawing on his cage at 3am?!
You can’t even drown them, because they swim!
In fact, they love to swim!
Definitely not Maru.
They’re lucky they fall into so many rules of cute . I guess even Sonic himself falls into some of the rules of cute. Beady nose, big eyes, getting into antics with a sidekick. Give Sonic a pass, he can hang after all.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Next time: BRONIES. We pony loving girls were here first dudes.
