CrazyCatLady Column: A Business of Ferrets
So we’ve covered the best of dogs (corgis), and the best of cats (ALL OF THEM), and the safest of pets (plants). But we haven’t covered the wily-est – no not coyotes—motherf’in FERRETS yo.
Seriously, that’s the first hit on GIS for ‘motherfuckin ferret.’ No joke.
So what is a ferret really? You take a tubesock, and fill it with one of those wiggly water toy stress relievers that totally look like something your little brother would turn into a sex toy, and then you give it beady eyes, a pink nose, and fangs. Then you imbue it with a mastery or thievery, a slight funk, and enough cute to make anyone with the slightest estrogen level say ‘ d’awwwwwwww, so keeeeyooot!’
Natalie Dee knows.
Apparently a group of ferrets is called a ‘business.’ I’m pretty sure that’s because they all belong to a weasel mafia. That ferret that lives in the girl’s room one over from yours? He’s just biding his time and assessing what’s the best way to steal your pocket change. They steal everything, and especially anything shiny. You got shinies? They want ‘em. You got wires? They’ll chew ‘em. You got tiny holes that surely no animal would squeeze through there, pshaw, not even a challenge.
And it’s always the college girl, ya know. The funky one who smokes just enough pot, but she’s not a huge pot head because she spends her money on ferret gear, and she’s got a triple ferret cage next to her bed, and please don’t tell the cleaning crew or she’ll get kicked out of the dorm (as if they can’t smell it in the next room over). I’ve even met ferret girl while in Italy. She snuck her ferret into the country in her backpack on an 8 hour transatlantic flight. Her ferret had a full wardrobe, including costumes for Halloween and Christmas. The construction crews on her street were sure he was a skunk.
Like, for serious guys.
But everyone probably knows one ferret guy. And you know why everyone knows at least one ferret guy? Because BEAST MASTER, that’s why. If you’re kind of nerdy, and you don’t like cats, but you want a pet that can let you live out a macho fantasy? Seriously dudes, hit the gym, and grab a ferret. HAWT.
Rub your two little weasels together, and have them do your bidding while your perfectly feathered hair blows in the wind. Ladies will be working that loincloth before you know it. Cesar Milan might be the dog whisperer, but anyone can tell a Chihuahua what to do. Getting a weasel to do what you want is like harnessing the power of 4chan to do your dirty work. That takes some serious skills.
Ferrets of course, being that they are adorable and funny creatures, have a free run in Japan. In the US you have to follow strict state-by-state regulations of when and where you are allowed to keep them as pets. Not that anyone follows these laws, seeing as how I live in California, where they are illegal, and the big pet stores all stock ferret gear and food. Take THAT governing authorities! I told you, weasel mafias.
They make quite a few manga appearances too. Being that they are animals associated with magic in most cultures, that shouldn’t be too surprising. And of course there’s a Pokémon ferret, called Furret. SO ORIGINAL NINTENDO.
And like anything good and cute and furry…there are furries obsessed with being ferrets. I don’t know why I even make that part of my standard research anymore. I should’ve searched for cacti furries, that might’ve been more unexpected.
Ferret-girl in a bikini, because why wouldn’t I be able to find this….
Ferrets people. Because they’re cute. Because you know where everything in your home is located. Because you didn’t really need that sock, or this shiny thing, or that tennis ball.
What, no, stop that. No, no, no.
D’awwwwwwww, so keeeeyooot!